- January 30th, 2010
There are a lot of things in life that don't make sense. Saying that makes me feel cliche and like im just stating a very obvious fact, but its a good springboard into me ranting. A lot of times I feel as if nothing that i do is good enough for anyone, yet i persist in my endeavors regardless. I don't feel like i deserve to be happy, but i do feel as if not having that chance myself the least i can do is try to give someone else that opportunity. I haven't had a good picture in my head that i can liken this to until very very recently.
When i was doing track in texas there was this piece of exercise equipment called a sled. Basically, it was a sled with a vertical pole on which one would stack weights. This was attached to a harness that would ultimately be attached to the person who was going to drag it around. This was to improve muscle endurance and stamina as the person using said device would drag it a predetermined distance. Using this wasn't ever particularly fun, though the feeling of accomplishment after was something of a wholly rewarding experience in itself. So there you are, at some sort of starting point with this weight strapped to your shoulders and waist. You wait for the signal, then youre off. Sometimes running, sometimes crawling, both at such a furious pace.
It seems now that so much weight has been added that i cant move. I try my hardest, just one more stride, just one more inch. But nothing more comes. Im on my hands and knees and im clawing at the endless earth, struggling, yelling, crying out, but im stuck in this. The harness is digging so deep into my shoulders that its drawing blood, i keep screaming for some relief but even more weight is added and there is nothing i can do to remedy this madness. Clawing still at the earth, pulling so hard, feeling the most bitter of burning sensations in my lungs, the sweat burning my eyes, my muscles aching, but i would keep trying. This past week has added the final weight to this sled, taken my final breath and final ounce of energy. I have nothing more to give for this, instead i lie in defeat on the ground. Gasping for some air, blood and dirt caking onto my fingernails, defeat mixed with sweat emanating from every pore. I have nothing left to give. There is no second wind, no bit of relief. Instead, now, i will just lie there in defeat waiting for something or someone to coerce me to the end, but never will that reassurance come.
I feel robbed of all energy i have ever had to help myself. Now ive given up, for good. Instead of trying to move forward, ill sit here in agony, hoping for rest, to catch a break, to catch my breath.